Movies (Which MIGHT Be) Soon Filming in Kentucky* **

*(Note: Or “Which have no chance at all of being filmed here, or anywhere for that matter, and which would not be all that enjoyable to watch, but which were fun to write about.”)

**(Note: Some if not all of these references might be better understood by locals, but, hey, I hope you “enjoy it” nonetheless (read “help me get these sequels made no matter WHERE you’re from so that we can relish the experience of knowing we accomplished something special, even if we’re not exactly sure what.”))

I love being a native of the Bluegrass State, and love my people.  However, we, like most of the rest of the world, can get caught up in the Hollywood-filming-location rumor mill, which periodically hints that one or more Major Motion Pictures MAY be filing right here, in the good ol’ state of Kentucky!

And while many a fine film has actually been filmed in and around Kentucky, these are typically lower-budget, independent films, leading one to believe that most of the rumors of big-budget, flagship motion pictures being filmed here are nothing but mass-produced, click-baity rumor pieces.

The type of camera a filmmaker might use were he/she to make a movie in Kentucky. I think.

Well, I say it’s time Kentucky got the star treatment.  And what better way for this great state to show it’s superb filming-location chops than to try to lure some sequels to successful franchises.  Here are just a few of my ideas, films which can take advantage of Kentucky’s unique culture and heritage. Be looking for a petition or a kickstarter, something. ANYTHING to make at least one of these a reality. Please.

“The Shawshank Redemption 2” – After Andy and Red are deported from Mexico for refusing to pay bribes to keep their charter boat business open, they are sentenced to life in the Kentucky State Reformatory in LaGrange. While Red gets busy livin’ by becoming head librarian of the prison, Andy gets busy dyin’ by finally succumbing to several bacterial diseases. Because sometimes when you crawl through a river of raw sewage, you don’t come out clean on the other side; you die of bacterial diseases.

“Step Up 6: River City Dance Party” – An oft-told story about discontented teens dancing it out on the mean streets, this time in the Bluegrass. It may be formulaic, but you won’t soon forget the epic 48 minute Big Four Bridge dance finale!

“Home Alone 6” – A clinically-inept adult Kevin McAllister manages to accidentally package and ship himself via UPS. But things go humorously awry when he falls off the conveyor belt at the Louisville hub and goes unnoticed before a major holiday shutdown. Marv and Harry costar as unlikely security guards in search of a package containing a trove of gold teeth.

“Indiana Jones 5: Kentuckiana Jones” – Does the description matter? 

“Babe: Pig in the Derby” – The lovable talking Bacon Bit is back, and this time he has a dream of becoming a racehorse. Unlikely? Yes. Adorable? Also Yes.

“Speed 3: TARC It Like a Man” – Keanu Reeves (Played by John Malkovich), fed up with Hollywood, escapes to Louisville, opening a hookah bar in the Highlands. Things go awry when Sandra Bullock (CGI, voiced by Alfre Woodard), miffed by the fact that SHE wanted to open a hookah bar in the highlands, plants a bomb on a TARC bus which is rigged to blow if the bus ever arrives on time at a stop. Yowzah!

“Papa Johns’ Field of Dreams II, Presented by Yum!” – The Ghosts of Baseball Past are back – and this time they’re hungry for pizza. And chicken, tacos and root beer!

“Honey, I Shrunk the Grandkids” – Finally shunned from science for his epically irresponsible inventions, Wayne Szalinski retires to Kentucky. All is quiet – until the family visits for Christmas! Huh-wha???

Honey, I Shrunk the Goat Kids” – Not learning his lesson from the near-deadly holiday debacle, Szalinski creates a not-so-small problem on the farm.

“Honey, I Shrunk the Grandkids, Again . . .I am SO SORRY!” – This guy is a menace to society!

Honey, it’s me. I’m in the Kentucky State Reformatory in LaGrange. They took my pants.” – Plot Unknown

Might LOOK like a royalty-free image, but it’s probably some awesome director of a real, Hollywood production of some sort. Cool, huh?!

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