The 15 stages of juice fasting

Every so often, I feel the need for a dietary reset, as the days or even weeks of poor eating choices have started to literally add up.  As such, I have occasionally tried the ever-popular “juice fast.”  The type and duration of these vary widely, but for mine, I will essentially limit myself to nutritious liquids, typically fruit and vegetable juices, for a pre-determined period of time, usually a day, but sometimes just breakfast and lunch.

While the results can be very positive when the simple plan is followed through, below is an all-too-typical progression of thought and action on many of those days.

Stage 1 – “Nothing but juice for me today! I’m so ready for this. Gonna feel great! Let’s do it.”

Stage 2 – “I’m absolutely loving this. Why don’t I do this more often? So good! I think my senses are sharpening, like a superhero, lol.”

Stage 3 – “This is good. Feel stronger than ever. I wonder when the next American Ninja Warrior tryouts are? Might be my year. . . Siri, when are the next American Ninja Warrior Tryouts?”

Stage 4 – “So, yeah. . .juice. . .juicy juice . . Captain von Juicenstein’s the name, changing lives is the game. Haha. . . yeah. I’m going to turn into juice, if I’m not careful, hehe.  Keep on keeping on, I say.  For a brighter, more healthful future!”

Stage 5 – “Strength . . .fading a bit.  Time for some more coffee, and a few of those flavored creamers, and then I’ll be back in the game!”

Stage 6 – “You know, a smoothie should count. It’s not solid, it’s made essentially of juice. Boom!”

Stage 7 – “So, let’s talk yogurt. Yogurt isn’t exactly “solid food”.  Hey, wait, smoothies are made of yogurt! So we’re good!  Do it up!”

Stage 8 – “I forgot about this here banana.  Bananas are pretty soft, not exactly “solid food”.  I’d say semi-solid at most. AT MOST. And, hey, smoothies are often made of bananas!  And whoaaaaa, this guy here is RIPE.  Won’t last another day.  Seems irresponsible NOT to eat it. Comin’ up, a brand new me!”

Stage 9 – “Let’s think about this: If I can have a banana, why not other fruit?  The point is eating better, and I’ve nailed that! And, hey, smoothies have fruit.”

Stage 10 – “Geez, I’m tired. I guess my body’s not used to the goodness of juice.  Press on . . . ha, juice pun!”

Stage 11 – “Dear Diary . . . if you’re reading this then it’s too late for me. . . please tell my family I died doing what I love: making myself better for THEM. . . man what time is it?”

Stage 12 – “Who in their right mind would say it’s OK to eat a piece of fruit, but not a vegetable? We’ve got to be realistic here, folks.  The vegetable plate it is.  It’s not TECHNICALLY juice, but . . . why would I allow myself to get caught up in technicalities when my health is involved?  And I wouldn’t think twice if someone blended all of these vegetables and put them in a glass.  Insanity!”

Stage 13 –  “Ooh, is that salsa?  Man, they have good salsa here.  Salsa is essentially juice.  Look at it, it’s glorified V-8, for crying out loud!  Yeah . . . I can have that.  And I’m certainly not going to eat it with a spoon, like a savage!  I’ll just chew these chips REALLY well.”

Stage 14 – “Man that burger looks good.  Full of protein, which we all need to survive and thrive; it’s been hours since I’ve had any protein.  Well, at least MEAT protein.  Looks really juicy. . . hey, juice is juice! And, I’ve earned it!”

Stage 15– “That juice fast was a cinch.  Need to do that again.  I think my pants are looser.  Now, what’s for lunch?!”


3 thoughts on “The 15 stages of juice fasting

  1. Ok I now think I understand why I have never been able to execute those juice cleanses. Just to make sure that I am correct on my read, there are steps before stage 7?? And then you can’t skip to stages 13 and 14 next?? Hold up – does this also mean that juice cleanses typically don’t include pancakes? 😉

    1. I think you’ve got it! However…I’m thinking pancakes might be in. They start out liquid, just milk and flour, right?!! I would say they’re in the smoothie family??

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