Facebook Time Machine (or a different title someone who can write smart, catchy titles would have placed here)

Watching my kids grow up with technology has given me much cause to reflect on my own childhood.  Hearing them talk about social media makes me wonder what I would have posted about when I was a young man, had Facebook magically dropped into my corduroy-covered lap.  (And I fully realize these are inconsistent and defy the rules of our current time-space continuum. “Wait, why would you have Facebook but not digital photos or Netflix, moron?” Hey, this is intended to be a social commentary of sorts and not Uncle Skippy’s Happy 100% Realistic Science Hour, OK? No offense to Uncle Skippy. Or science.)

  • “Just took the best selfie ever! Will post it here when it’s ready at Kmart in about an hour.”
  • “I’m really looking forward to binge watching Magnum PI! And, of course, I mean I’ll be in front of the TV at 8 pm sharp, eat an entire package of Oreos and then wait until 8 pm sharp NEXT week to see another episode! Woot!”
  • “Went fishing with my papaw today! It was awesome! Except that I couldn’t keep the 6-pound bass I caught, ’cause it’s Throwback Thursday :(“
  • “Did you hear Michael Jackson’s new single? Me neither, because I don’t have a ride to the mall. NBD (No Bus Departing)”
  • “Don’t you just hate channel surfing.  I just flipped through all 4 channels like 8000 times!”
  • “My cousin just caught the rarest Pokemon. I’m praying for a full recovery.”
  • “I just read a fascinating WSJ article, and you should too!  If it doesn’t enrage you, you’re not paying enough attention.  To access the article, head to your local library, and ask where the newspapers are kept; they’re usually connected to those pain-in-the-butt dowel rod rack things.  Or you might have luck at the McDonald’s on First Street, back near the garbage cans near the restrooms?  There’s always a few sections of the paper there, but it might be yesterday’s.  If all else fails, there’s Waldenbooks in the mall.  If you’re going, can I get a ride? Want to get that new MJ single. Pound-sign KingofPop!”
What are some others?  For those born before, say, 1990, what kind of things would you have said on social media as a kid?  Leave a comment. 
He-Man can dig it.

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